Confession#1

Dear Adam ,

I'm coming to you on behalf of your future wife. Mrs. Bing. Man do I love how that rings. I know you keep saying you forgive me. And for the first time ever I truly feel like you do. God has showed me a story very similar to mine. Hosea starting with chapter 1. How God spoke to Hosea he said, “Go and marry this promiscuous wife, and have promiscuous children for the land has committed great adultery to the Lord.”

It's so crazy how I thought back on our old phone conversations, because I was sure I heard that before. I recall you telling me to read the book of Hosea, and Daniel. Well I haven't read Daniel yet, but I am reading Hosea, and baby if this is it not talking about us and our story, I don't know what will. But I love that it is has been a guide. I never thought I would say it, but The world did come with instructions. The word. The bible. It is instruction.  It’s also talking about a lot of spiritual wars that we talked about via phone.

Anywho Mr. Bing this letter is not just an apology because I cheated. Rather this is a diary,of the New Era Hosea and Gomner. For it is symbolic to not only you and I, But to God and his people. I want to thank you in advance for forgiving me. For it is not just for all of my infidelities,rather my sins against others, as well. Others that actually matter to me.

Because just as I love myself I do too love them. The sins I committed against them I want true forgiveness. Although these diaries you will read are not what a person of love would do, it is the truth. The dirty nasty truth. And as John 8:32 said, “and you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. “ With that being said, I need you to know i'm truly sorry, and here is everything. The whole truth.

Back to what I was telling you, I want you to know that this apology it not because I cheated. Because we both know I did. And yes I am sorry I cheated however, the “bitch” in me likes to think it’s just pay back, petty, yes, but you did it to me when I was just a simple virgin.To be real,I should not have reacted to your sin with sin. But what I actually did during our break is what I feel will hurt you most. But I am ready to confess. Because he who finds a wife, finds a good thang.” (proverbs 18:22)

And in order to be your good thing, I have to expose myself. I have to expose myself out loud. To the world. My reputation , My pride is about to be broken. But in order to gain my pureness and temple back I must die , my flesh, my old me must die. Now, if that was the end of it, I would rather keep my business in private, but God spoke to me and told me if I want him to release you from the bond you're in, I must confess as the promiscuous , the mistress, and the wife.

For God's glory and  how I am willing to sacrifice not just my dignity but the dignity of my future husbands question to lead his family, and your decision making upon marrying me. So I am asking you take this as my apology letter to you and the world of my selfishness back in my promiscuous days.

God is stripping me of my flesh and showing me as an example to everyone. I thank you in advance for letting me share our story with everyone. Not to be broken down, because that will happen when you choose to serve God anyhow. But by those that come and try to destroy God's union he is forming between Husband and Wife, the real understanding, the real unconditional love. I truly thank God for his work on us and how we will lead by example. You have truly become a man of God. But first we must go through this.

It sounds bad but to be honest, yet I do not feel bad that this has to be our karma. God has already revealed to me we owe him our lives. For everything he is about to do for us. He is in your corner, he is in my corner. I as your wife have to make the first sacrifice for it is of a great price.

 A few would say I am insane and I am a making myself look like a fool. The ironic, yet satisfying part about this all is, Hosea chapter 9:7, “the prophet is known as a fool and the inspired insane. So I like to think of myself as the inspired from my own story and I will take my consequence of looking insane for speaking on my impurities out loud.

I know you're sitting in there really praying on a miracle. Just as I am on the outside. Along with your mom. Who knew we would really be destined for one another. It’s insane how over these past few years I have never connected with any male on this level of spirituality, not even with you until we have been thrown into the lion's den.

All to say these letters that you will read over the next few weeks will not be the regular but more intense, and I hate to say it but hurtful. I know you have forgiven and are aware of the affair. I just want to take this time to share my past fears, while you are still in there. I know we are the real definition of trial and error. But the best part in the end is no matter how they will crucify you and your I, God has given you a GOOD THING. I am forgiven and I am restored. In Jesus Name. Here is my first confession. Welcome to ,” The Open Diary.”

Love forever your,

Eve.

Confession Letter #2.

Dear Bonnie,

I’m sorry.

I'm sorry I used you for your soul. I'm sorry I destroyed your happiness the same time that I came to restore it. I was the one who not only ran away,but I always left with something of value to you. Your heart, your mind, your soul…, something. All because, I was in search of mine. It’s hard for me to open up and write this. Like forreal , really write this. This was not easy. So before I continue, I want to say , I love you and this was one of the realest relationships, I’ve ever had, and I will forever cherish it, but it's time we move on.

I’ll never forget what you said that night, while both are lips made love. It was crazy, because I was feeling you real bad and you too had the same feeling. But it was crazy because we both had never experienced someone having the exact same love as we did. You know the love that made you question if you loved more than the other. However we loved one another the exact same. The, “I am your Bonnie, type of relationship.”  Yeah, you had my back and I had yours.

I’ll never forget how I got you to fall for me. I looked up to see your pretty caramel skin. You had that smooth butter pecan type, and those eyes that could make any man fall. (Ha.) I guess that’s where I got your name pecan from. I remember as soon as you walked up to , my date and I table to serve us, I looked at you. You know, that, “ damn, i gotta have you face.” Let's just agree by the end of that date, my number was in your waitress wallet, and he had no idea, but you did. Anyway…

This is not what that's about. I mean, it is. However, I just, I had to let it be clear what a beautiful sight it was to come across you. It started off innocent with no real intentions. But here we are, so I guess it eventually got complicated. Too complicated. It was so deep and life changing for us both. I was in love with you, that is until you started loving me. Which by the way did not take long. (Not trying to sound cocky) But this is who I am. My Great Grandmother's curse. Talk about a real creole soul as cold as I was. I hypnotized and lured you in with my ebony eyes.  Yeah, My ebony eyes. Light gold , a splash of baby green twirled with honey just along the outside of the pupil, kind of eye.(Making you fall for me was just the beginning)  

What shocked me was you had a similar curse. You had me just as I had you. (I was not use to having another , what I like to call “voodoo witch,”who too made me fall just as hard as I made them.  I actually became to love you. For the first yet second time I can actually say it was a different kind of love.

I say second because there was my first, “Her,” before you. But I ruined that before we had a chance to grow. Anyway, our love was a love so strong because we became one. Like we felt somewhat of a union between us. A real one. ( That soulsister yet your “first girlfriend/ boyfriend type of love.) I gained a chance to see and get to know the weak in you. The “weak” that I eventually preyed on because it was the same flaw I had become to recognize in myself.

I was upset because although we shared the same feelings, you weren't like me, yet you were like me, in every way. But you were different. More gentle, not so wild, yet you still craved the same thing I did: Loyalty, Good sex, and just someone to Grow and cry with.

Yet you acted in a way I wanted but couldn't. You know,  that promiscuous woman but not as often. You know the one that men think are better because they slept with less than four men. They referred to your type as the “Real Wifey Ones.”   Yeah, I guess that's what I will call it. The wife was the type to love her man, and all she wanted was: a good man, a family, and to feel pretty. Yet she still had the hardest time finding it, because lack of him being faithful. Yet I too struggled with the same thing, I just reacted more abrupt than you did from not having it.

I reacted as more of a secret hoe. I was the other one, you know, the promiscuous one that knew she could have anyone she wanted. Although you could too, you rather have that hope and wait of finding Mr. Right. (even if you did not really believe it could happen) Me however, my count was more than five or six, and not just men.  I maybe, not, the hoe that everyone knew, but enough to know if I wanted to slut out I could. And maybe that is the reason I actually grew to you. You were not like that, I mean, i'm good at controlling most of all my urges, but you were so pure. I needed you. I needed to feed off your weakness because it made me stronger. (Or so I thought)

Although my exes were women previous to you, they were the promiscuous like me. But you, you were more of a saint that I was. I wanted to be like you, but I felt unworthy, as though I was already destroying my temple, so, it started off as me preying on your purity. It was unlike anyone I have ever had. I guess that's when I noticed. I wanted you to myself. I wanted to make you my slave. The woman I could get to act out my urges.

I became obsessed with turning you out. I became so into, “wanting” to see you even more broken. We shared a major hurt in our lives. We lacked a father.  Or better yet we had the “ in and out types.” Not to mention , both our moms had been broken. Your mom was “shut in” and mine was “wild and out.”  And isn’t it funny how we both came out to be the same way they were in their younger day age.

Lets just say you shut niggas out and so did I , but somehow we brought them in when we could use them. The only difference is when you weren't using them you were alone. You were content being with just me ( your soul sister) as we would say, you know until you felt like you found the right man. However, me on the other hand, I was different, I’d rather have a woman at home I could control. And knowing I couldn't have you the way I wanted, you accepted me being with others. (And though you knew I did not care for them as you) I did care enough to make you feel jealous.

I’ll admit I do have a problem, and you knew my problem. And I hated I couldn’t control it. But you loved me way past that. And although you knew I only wanted a woman to break apart, you still loved me. You would often ask me, “why do you do this?”  Why do I hurt you , by loving to hurt them. Well..

Its funny because this all is starting to make sense. My Bonnie, we were created for one another as women , as sisters, as another woman understanding another woman. Sisterhood is what this should be.  It was crazy when God revealed to not only me, but you too; that we were growing less and less attracted to women in that way.(nothing against being gay, for I too am considered astray and gay). It made sense why I wanted the ones  that remind me of a “guy” in some kind of way. It was so I could feel like i'm tearing them down as if they were a man. The men that I felt tore me apart. It was just easier to control a woman (My Father Issues, My becoming of a woman Issues) Sex with them made me feel powerful. I controlled them so much I only got off by knowing they began to question their own sexuality.

And for you , you just wanted the pretty girls. You wanted the ones who knew they were pretty yet never had enough confidence to to be with a man. They made you feel like you were pretty, right along with them. They looked to you as the “fine one, “ it was a culture change to you. Do you see Bonnie,  I controlled mine in the way I was hurt. And vise versa with you. You made the ones like myself fall for you. You made me fall for you just to seduce me , tell me how perfect I was yet you always seemed to let me know how it would never work. This is when thing started to change. I broke down, my second intervention with God came around.

God knew we both wanted the same thing. “Love.” Yet he knew how weak we were without “someone physical.” So he lead you to me and I to you. But in conclusion he lead us to who we both needed to be. The both of us. It’s rare, you find one who will change you but also change with you. And for the better. It finally made sense. My crave for a woman was no more. And the few I slept with after you were all just to go against what God had already given and revealed to me, and that's (You). Without you I would still be looking for her.  We both went through our transition from women to men together. You just spoke you're feeling before me. And I remember the hurt back then, I just did not understand it.

Let's be clear though, you did not want that girlfriend relationship with me, and it was clear shortly after being involved. You stated you wanted a man. But somehow we were closer than any woman and woman could ever be. It was such a deep connection that we did not understand our relation. We couldn't even explain it. So we fell into one another as lust. Just wanting to fill the void we both knew we were missing. We grew to hate man, yet we still used them on occasions.

Shortly after being everything we could want in a relationship to one another, plus more. We started to annoy one another. But isn’t it funny how we went through everything a wife and husband could have went through. How God never took our love away from one another. That real, “Unconditional love.” We started hurting one another's feelings, the feelings we both use to stay up late at night piecing together. You would find out I was with, “him.” Then I would see you actually had a, “him,” the whole time.

 Yet we never left one another's side. It's like we knew how one another felt, but we did not know how to talk about it. It's like God was molding us on how to be a woman. He was helping us come out of our promiscuous stage. Molding us into potential wives, a loving unconditional wife to a sinner of a husband. (For he too is working on his transition. )

However, if was an eye opening of how to look at a guy not on such a high petal stool. But to put him on the same petal stool as me. And vise versa for him. For he is no better than we are and how we are no much more of a hoe, and lier than he is, regardless of count. For every relationship will suffer or had suffered but if we are both in Union, and more importantly Gods Union, we can not cast one another out. But to help one another out.

We use to get into it. (you and I) Yet you never let me run away, like most people did. You actually helped me and wanted to talk it out until we made love again. But it was not sexual love but more of a sisterhood intimacy that we only knew how to express in conversation and result in sex. Call it the best of both worlds. But we honestly had love past sex. In fact sometimes the sex was terrible. (we both know that. On both ends.) And then there was times it was , the best sex I’d ever had. Again on both ends. (Ha)   

However , fast forward it's a couple years later. It's been a struggle letting this part of us go. Going from soul intimate sisters, to just soul sisters learning to love Christ, then loving ourselves. And it's been hard because you know we have both fallen short in this time. The best part about our old relationship is we now know how to love another person as our potentials should love us.

This transition God has us on has been the hardest thing to come yet, because this is when we would be on the phone until 6am, figuring out a different solution together. And now we are up until 6am alone, because we can't help one another when we are both going through the hardest break up of our lives. Knowing this must finally come to an end. The hardest part yet was we didn't think God would give me my king so soon.

A few more months, he will be home. I’m not ready to let you go, yet I am ready to reunite with my man. Meaning I do want to let that part of our connection go. I’m just not ready for your absence in my life. And for that I am not ready. I'm sorry you had to go through feeling like I didn't love you. But I did and still do. Lashing out on you because my transition has me hurting has not been helping our situation. So for the things I said to you, I did not mean and again, I am sorry. Preparing to let you go has been the most uncomfortable situation yet the best transition as far as getting closer to God I’ve ever had.

I can assure our pain will not last forever if we just trust that God will bring us back when we are mentally ready. We both know in order to repair our friendship without our feelings being so involved we will have to separate. Isolate from one another for awhile. Until our flesh and lust for one another die. But I do have to confess to my fiance. I know I said I would not. But it is time. I have too.  And this letter, this diary is the only way I know how. So my Bonnie, I will say before him in old and current sin. I love you, always will but I must leave this part behind and focus on being the woman God is forming me to be for my future husband. It's time I love my man and not be afraid too, as God has shown me how to love unconditional through you. And for that I love you more than I can cry. So with that being said, to my husband , Here is my first confession to, “The open diary.” - Signed Eve your Wife.(C.P.F)